June 8, 2014

Future Engineering

Filed under: random — admin @ 12:00 pm

I meant to write more, sooner, but I didn’t.

Oh well!

Now I’m back to write about Voyager again.

What the hell is going on with starship engineering in the future? You’d think that by the 24th century we’d have made it so that consoles and keyboards don’t send out sparks and electrical zaps when the slightest things go wrong. How many times must a random redshirt get killed by a console exploding before they prevent that sort of malfunction? It’s pretty ridiculous. And then the slightest space anomalies shake the whole ship around like whoa. Surely there would be some way to stabilize things? Given this design flaw/limitation, why are there no seatbelts on the bridge?!

I understand that Starfleet is a military operation, and thus they would actually wear uniforms. But jumpsuits? No way. They are so impractical. It would certainly make going to the bathroom more difficult that it need be. Though I suppose maybe they’ve found some other way to deal with human waste in the future, especially given the noticeable lack of toilets on the spaceship.

But seriously. I guess it’s cool that we develop the technology to fly into space and stuff. But holy cow, we shouldn’t stop there. We should make it so that the chance of death while merely flying through space is lessened. Turbulence? Wat? Gimme a break.

May 3, 2014

Voyager and the Three Hour Tour

Filed under: random — admin @ 10:28 pm

I’ve decided I’m overdue for watching more Star Trek. So I’m rectifying that by watching the series with the best captain ever: Voyager.

Today I watched a full season’s worth, so now I’m a few episodes into Season 2. I’ve realized something today, about this show.

Basically, Voyager is just Gilligan’s Island, in space. Or Quantum Leap in space. Or Lost in Space. But I’m sticking with Gilligan’s Island. Only instead of trying to get off an island, they’re instead trying to get their spaceship (island) home. And occasionally there are rescue attempts, but they seem to always to fall through.

Neelix and Kes are Thurston Howell the Third and his wife, Lovey.  Tuvok is obviously the Professor.  Harry Kim is his Mary Ann, and Paris is Ginger. Which makes Janeway and Chakotay the Skipper and Gilligan.

(This comparison isn’t falling apart even just a little.)

I think the question of Mary Ann versus Ginger is probably more compelling than Harry Kim versus Paris. Well, maybe not. At any rate… Chakotay’s Island?

Back to more Voyager. Chakotay just rescued a rather ungrateful Kazon adolescent and I can’t wait to see how this plays out.

April 29, 2014

Effects on the Side

Filed under: depression,life — admin @ 9:04 pm

I’m watching House, after having exhausted my internet reading options. Figured now’s as good a time as any to get into the wonderful world of SSRI side effects. I kept a journal to catalog my side effects, make sure I wasn’t overlooking anything. So here’s some excerpts.

Day 2, 9:40pm: Still feel totally normal. Not even any sort of side effects. Maybe a little drowsy, though again it could be lack of sleep, especially combined with the climbing.

Day 3, 10:48am: I think maybe I am having some/a side effect. I didn’t sleep so well. Woke up at 5 or 6 something and couldn’t get back to sleep. It could be that I’m having some allergies and that’s what caused it. But I looked, and [this drug] does mess with your REM sleep stuff. We’ll see.
2:08pm: I am starting to feel like I’m getting a cold. I’m hoping it’s just allergies. Not that it’s any better for it to be allergies. I’m feeling so tired right now. Blah

Day 4, 1:56pm: Four down! Looks like the hour or two immediately following are yawn o’clock. I feel drowsy and keep yawning. I may have to start taking these pills at night. Still not seeing much of a difference in things. Except for the yawning.
3:22pm: …I do think the drugs might be affecting me now. I have a weird sort of feeling in my head. Kind of a fuzziness. I’m pretty tired, too, but again didn’t get enough sleep for unrelated reasons.
12:02am: Will take my pill at noon–I think I’m going to start taking them at night so the drowsiness works for me.

Day 5, 6:29pm:  I’ve been congested and sneezing all day. I’ve also got a dreadful headache, which I’m attributing to the congestion and sleep deprivation. Meant to go climb tonight but I’m not sure because I’m feeling so wretched.

Day 6, 2:15pm: Just took a couple Tylenol because my head is still hurting. Took the day off work because I feel horrid.
12:12am: So I’m definitely staying up too late and I’m not really sure why. Maybe because I’ve been expending more energy later in the day with the cleaning I’ve been doing…?

Day 7, 10:50pm: Stayed home from work today. Exhaustion and sleep deprivation, basically. … Have a headache again today. Starting to worry that maybe it’s a side effect. Took the pill at 5pm today. Four hours later I think is when the headache started to come on.

Day 10, 11:01pm: Last night I did NOT sleep well at all. I couldn’t fall asleep, and then I kept waking up. This is, by far, the worst side effect. I am so sleep deprived today. Tonight I’ve taken a sleeping pill. I hope it helps.

Day 22, 2:12am: Well, I’m up late. We doubled the dose on my meds. I had to deal with the side effects again, but they weren’t too bad. I think maybe it’s making my skin break out, which sucks. For now I’m hoping that it’ll clean up after I’ve been on the drug for awhile. If not, I may consider changing drugs. I guess right now it’s a bit of a waiting game.


That’s all for now. That was everything for the first drug I was taking. About two months after starting that, I switched to a new one. That can be the next installment.

April 27, 2014

Road to Wellville

Filed under: depression,life — admin @ 11:26 pm

When I told my boyfriend that I was going to write about depression on my blog, he was concerned. He thought/thinks I shouldn’t talk about this publicly. That I may not want a topic like this linked to me.

“Not everybody likes depression,” he said.

“Especially the people who have it,” I replied.

I knew that’s not what he meant. He’s talking about the stigma associated with depression and other mental illnesses. It reminds me of something from Erewhon by Samuel Butler. In that book, physical illnesses are illegal and punishable by imprisonment or death. Thus, when people get sick, they will instead speak about their moral failings, or their mental weakness. It seems to me like we’ve got almost the opposite thing going today. We understand about physical ailments like cancer and diabetes and the flu, but we dismiss depression and anxiety as character defects.

For too many years I didn’t get any help for my issues. I’ve been saying I probably have depression for at least 14 years now. (Probably longer.) But I never saw anyone. I read a lot about it in books and online, read about how you can treat yourself. I got exercise and sun and sleep. I took St. Johns Wort. But still I wouldn’t see a doctor about it. I was too scared. I was certain that if I went, they would just put me on drugs, and I was afraid of the drugs. You only seem to hear about the horror stories, when it comes to most medications. (Or the miracle stories, which I suspect are just as rare.)

I can still remember the first time I ever really tried to ask for help. Or rather, the first time I confessed about my issues to anyone who was in a position to help me. I was in my the kitchen of my family’s home. It had been a particularly difficult year for me, and I was very low. I hadn’t been eating a lot, I had been neglecting things I should be doing, I had been spending far too much time online, and I had been sleeping quite a lot. I got into an argument with my parents, which had never really happened before. That’s not to say that we hadn’t had difficulties previously, but it had never turned into a voices-raised back-and-forth sort of thing. My parents (maybe it started with just my mom) were upset with me. Finally I lost my patience or my temper, or just my composure. I yelled out that some days it was just hard for me to get out of bed, to find a reason to live.

I remember I was crying. (Hah, but I do cry a lot, so that’s hardly surprising.) They called me lazy. Must be nice to be able to say you just don’t feel like getting out of bed. Do I realize that it’s not like anyone wants to have to get up and work all day, toiling away to be able to support themselves and their families? Of course I knew that. I said that they just didn’t understand.

I don’t remember how that discussion ended, but I do remember driving back home, crying and crying. I felt a little better for having told someone, but the ultimate conversation was devastating for me. Everyone has a voice in their head, telling them what’s right and what’s wrong, whispering encouragement and warnings. For me that voice is a jerk. It’s saying that I’m not any good, that I’m not worthy of anyone’s efforts, not even my own. It says that I’m lazy. That there’s nothing really wrong with me, that I just don’t try hard enough. And my parents echoed those last sentiments back to me. I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to because I was lazy, and I better just try harder and grow up.

For a while, I believed them, then for a while more I was angry with them. I felt like they let me down. I suppose they did, a little, but I understand it more now. There are many illnesses that people don’t understand, and this is just one of them. And since it’s a problem without any outward symptoms, it’s easy to write-off. My mom has since apologized, and explained how she doesn’t understand, which I think is pretty great. Admitting that you don’t know something is pretty huge, because it’s admitting that there’s something there that you don’t understand, rather than that there’s nothing wrong.

Anyway, this didn’t turn out to be what I was setting out to write, but it came out, so there it sits.

April 26, 2014

From the Ashes…

Filed under: depression,random — admin @ 5:09 pm

Well, I spent today at work for a few hours, playing some missions and writing feedback. As far as work goes, it was pretty fun. I’m still there now, about to bike home.

In my spare time while I waited for maps to load, etc, I cleaned up this blog. I republished some older posts that had been marked private, and added a new category: depression. I think I’m going to start writing more, starting with some stuff about depression.

Not the cheeriest of topics, but I think there aren’t enough people who talk about their struggles with mental illness, and more conversation about this topic would be good. My first posts will be excerpts from the journal I started keeping when I first started taking an antidepressant. (Q4 2013.)

Undoubtedly, if I manage to keep up with this blogging thing, there will be posts about makeup and food and knitting and other fun things, because that’s what I like. Especially food.

I doubt I’ve got any readers left, as it has been ages and ages since I wrote anything of quality that wasn’t totally self-indulgent. I hope I can change that, at least the latter. We’ll see how it goes.

February 7, 2013


Filed under: books — Maria @ 9:37 pm

I got this list off a blog I read. It’s supposedly a list of favourite books, as picked by some Brits.
I love lists like this. I’m pretty pleased that I’ve read many of the classics on this list, and I’m looking forward to reading some of the newer fiction. This week at the library I got Geek Love and Flowers for Algernon. Haven’t read either yet because I’ve spent my time working or reading blogs instead.

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien Read the first and half of the second.
2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman First book and most of second.
4. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne
8. Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier
15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
19. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
22. Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone, JK Rowling
23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
26. Tess Of The D’Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot
28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
30. Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen
39. Dune, Frank Herbert
40. Emma, Jane Austen
41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
42. Watership Down, Richard Adams
43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
46. Animal Farm, George Orwell
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
53. The Stand, Stephen King
54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton
67. The Magus, John Fowles
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
71. Perfume, Patrick Süskind
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl
75. Bridget Jones’s Diary, Helen Fielding
76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
78. Ulysses, James Joyce
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
83. Holes, Louis Sachar
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist
90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac
91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
95. Katherine, Anya Seton
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel García Márquez
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
100. Midnight’s Children, Salman Rushdie
101. Three Men In A Boat, Jerome K. Jerome
102. Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
103. The Beach, Alex Garland
104. Dracula, Bram Stoker
105. Point Blanc, Anthony Horowitz
106. The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens
107. Stormbreaker, Anthony Horowitz
108. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks
109. The Day Of The Jackal, Frederick Forsyth
110. The Illustrated Mum, Jacqueline Wilson
111. Jude The Obscure, Thomas Hardy
112. The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13¾, Sue Townsend
113. The Cruel Sea, Nicholas Monsarrat
114. Les Misérables, Victor Hugo (I read the abridged version.)
115. The Mayor Of Casterbridge, Thomas Hardy
116. The Dare Game, Jacqueline Wilson
117. Bad Girls, Jacqueline Wilson
118. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
119. Shogun, James Clavell
120. The Day Of The Triffids, John Wyndham
121. Lola Rose, Jacqueline Wilson
122. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray
123. The Forsyte Saga, John Galsworthy
124. House Of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
125. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
126. Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett
127. Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging, Louise Rennison
128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle
129. Possession, A. S. Byatt
130. The Master And Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
131. The Handmaid’s Tale, Margaret Atwood
132. Danny The Champion Of The World, Roald Dahl
133. East Of Eden, John Steinbeck
134. George’s Marvellous Medicine, Roald Dahl
135. Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett
136. The Color Purple, Alice Walker
137. Hogfather, Terry Pratchett
138. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan
139. Girls In Tears, Jacqueline Wilson
140. Sleepovers, Jacqueline Wilson
141. All Quiet On The Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
142. Behind The Scenes At The Museum, Kate Atkinson
143. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
144. It, Stephen King
145. James And The Giant Peach, Roald Dahl
146. The Green Mile, Stephen King
147. Papillon, Henri Charriere
148. Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett
149. Master And Commander, Patrick O’Brian
150. Skeleton Key, Anthony Horowitz
151. Soul Music, Terry Pratchett
152. Thief Of Time, Terry Pratchett
153. The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
154. Atonement, Ian McEwan
155. Secrets, Jacqueline Wilson
156. The Silver Sword, Ian Serraillier
157. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Ken Kesey
158. Heart Of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
159. Kim, Rudyard Kipling
160. Cross Stitch, Diana Gabaldon
161. Moby Dick, Herman Melville
162. River God, Wilbur Smith
163. Sunset Song, Lewis Grassic Gibbon
164. The Shipping News, Annie Proulx
165. The World According To Garp, John Irving
166. Lorna Doone, R. D. Blackmore
167. Girls Out Late, Jacqueline Wilson
168. The Far Pavilions, M. M. Kaye
169. The Witches, Roald Dahl
170. Charlotte’s Web, E. B. White
171. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
172. They Used To Play On Grass, Terry Venables and Gordon Williams
173. The Old Man And The Sea, Ernest Hemingway
174. The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco
175. Sophie’s World, Jostein Gaarder
176. Dustbin Baby, Jacqueline Wilson
177. Fantastic Mr Fox, Roald Dahl
178. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach
180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery
181. The Suitcase Kid, Jacqueline Wilson
182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens
183. The Power Of One, Bryce Courtenay
184. Silas Marner, George Eliot
185. American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis
186. The Diary Of A Nobody, George and Weedon Grossmith
187. Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh
188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine
189. Heidi, Johanna Spyri
190. Sons And Lovers, D. H. Lawrence
191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
192. Man And Boy, Tony Parsons
193. The Truth, Terry Pratchett
194. The War Of The Worlds, H. G. Wells
195. The Horse Whisperer, Nicholas Evans
196. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry
197. Witches Abroad, Terry Pratchett
198. The Once And Future King, T. H. White (boyfriend and I bonded over mutual hatred of this)
199. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle
200. Flowers In The Attic, Virginia Andrews

November 25, 2012


Filed under: life,random — Maria @ 1:40 am

So I spent about 5-6 hours tonight setting up a SQL server and installing an XMPP server. I finally got it all working, and I pretty much feel like a genius.

All this so the boyfriend and I can chat while I sit on my butt in the living room and he’s at his desk in the office.
It’s a hard life.

November 20, 2012


Filed under: life — Maria @ 12:43 am

Woke up alone. Spent most of the day at work alone. Ate dinner alone. Spent the evening alone. In bed alone.

Too bad I sleep worst alone.

November 13, 2012

Miss you, little brother

Filed under: life — Maria @ 2:23 pm

Eight years today? I’m not sure. I feel bad, but I can’t remember how many years it has been.

All I have left are the memories, and the few photos. I think this one is from the last day I ever saw him.


October 3, 2012


Filed under: Uncategorized — Maria @ 1:14 pm

Rock climbing last night was so much fun. I guess I like working my body until exhaustion, then pushing it just a little bit further.

And now it’s a busy day at work and my muscles are sore and yet I’m still smiling. Can’t be too bad then!

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